I've been trying to write anything recently without much success. Every time I think about opening a document to write something I balk and fearfully run away, believing whatever I would have written wouldn't add up to much.
It's not something that I call writer's block. It's something a little more subtle, a little more calm but equally stymying, preventing me from writing and from enjoying writing.
It's been my thought that perhaps I'm reading too much technical documentation recently, causing my mind to assume a very rigid form in regards to how I think and ultimately write. That perhaps were I to read more literary material I would be more apt to write and feel much freer when writing.
For every time I sit down to begin composing words into coherent sentences - ultimately paragraphs - a great tension builds in the middle of my chest. Knots and tightly wound muscles stress their discomfort and more often than not force me away, leaving composition incomplete.
Then there are other excuses I have enjoyed using. 'What text editor will I use?' is the question I have been posing to myself quite consistently recently. I've never really used Microsoft Word to write these blog posts because it takes far too long to open and by the time it's finally open I've already talked myself out of writing anything and close the program as soon as it's open.
I don't use the default WordPress editor because of too many past bad experiences: from the web browser crashing and causing me to lose most of my work, to feeling cramped by the browser and creatively inhibited, the online text editor has never been a top choice of mine.
Usually what I use is this little program called TextMate - which I'm actually using right now - that is pretty much Notepad or TextEdit on steroids. Although most of the 'steroids' of TextMate come into play when doing programming work, I've found it to be quite a durable and dependable writing companion. It's never crashed on me unexpectedly, it opens without pain, and it is quite nimbly customized.
So why have I been so reluctant to write a blog post recently?
The answer just has to be that I've been reluctant to write - period. My mind has strayed so close to technical leanings of late that for me to switch gears into a literary mode has been near impossible. However it appears my literary mind is beginning to rebel and demand the attention it has sorely missed.
The first sign of this swing occurred last night. I was alone in the apartment I share with my girlfriend and pulled out and began to play my guitar with an intensity and focus I haven't experienced in at least a month. It would seem that I need to get down to some creative work or fear the wrath of my creative brain. And that part of me is quite inventive when it comes to revenge. Which shouldn't surprise - it is my creative center after all.